The Hindu Business Line : Laloo-<I>leela</I> on the rails

PARALLEL lines meet at infinity, and if you have Laloo on them, you can be guaranteed of wholesome entertainment for a similar length of time. When a minister travels at the speed of MR special, stopping and waving, talking and inspecting, he is sure to get new ideas.

People who have already got a taste of Laloo-fication of Railways gather to discuss secretively in coupes and bays, platforms and stations, seats and berths, standing or sitting, the new bogey nicknamed `Laloo-leela on the rails.' Here is a quick FAQ before his special train pulls in at your station:

After drinking coffee from kulhads, I'm feeling a bit queasy.

This is the typical aristocrat in you refusing to budge. I agree it's not easy to drink Bru or Nescafe from earthen pots, mainly because those companies have not been advertising that way. It is rumoured that an agency is working on a new campaign using kulhads.

Is it healthy to use earthen pots for coffee and chai?

Do you think Laloo would have thought of the idea if it had been otherwise? There are at least two advantages: One, if you carefully watch the cup without sipping tea, you'd notice that the fluid quantity gets reduced because the porous container absorbs a few ml of the beverage.

Two, after a few attempts, you would learn not to drain the kulhads because loose earth particles would get into your mouth, and that means less coffee or tea, and toxins too.

Should I choose between kulhad chai and mathakola?

No, you have the third option of drinking buttermilk off mud-pots.

Will there be a cola war?

A white war, they say, because buttermilk offers an almost unlimited scope for dilution, with due addition of salt. With other colas, such an experiment may be difficult and expensive. The minister is confident that Mathakola, if served in kulhads, besides promoting the business of potters and milkmen, would become a runaway success. Don't ask who's going to run away with what.

Somebody told me tickets would be abolished!

Crazy. You mean there are no tickets in Bihar? There are tickets, but many don't buy them. To be fair, however, ticketless travellers are everywhere. Only, TTEs are afraid of asking for tickets in that State because, as somebody wrote in a discussion board on the site www.irsuggestions.org, "Ticketless travellers in Bihar can show katta (country made pistol) to TTE." Now, don't expect the Railways to sell kattas in each platform!

What other reforms can we expect?

Mantriji has said he would strive for "improvement in the quality of rail service, including punctuality of trains, maintenance of cleanliness and amenities at the platforms and better safety infrastructure."

Also, that modernisation of the railway infrastructure would be undertaken in a vigorous manner "with a special emphasis on safety measures."

How about a bullock-drawn rail?

Great idea! Just to improvise your idea a bit, I think you should have a diesel locomotive going ahead at slow speed with an open wagon carrying fodder for the draught animals.

I'm upset that berths use cushions made by big companies.

Hey, I mean, hay is the solution. How comfortable those hay-filled mattresses would be instead of rexine-covered ones! Only one precaution: we should not let those bullocks inside the compartments.

SayCheek@TheHindu.co.in