The Hindu Business Line : Operation salvage

ONE never knew there were so many accountants in this part of the world till the roof came crashing on top of their Alma matter. There is this Dhall man, they say, who is hell bent on pulling the spine off the IP Marg outfit and hectic lobbying is on to perform `operation salvage'.

I see scores of them working in the colony park, de-weeding and cleaning up. "What are you up to?" I ask. "We want to be seen with spade," they reply. "We were calling it by all other names so long that we had trouble remembering its original name."

At the crowded Gandhi statue signal, these bean counters come up to the waiting cars to wipe the windshield. They decline any coins offered through windows, but don't forget to slip their visiting cards into the dashboard. "What's the message?" people ask them. "Aren't you able to see through the glass better?" they query. "This is what we can achieve. Transparency."

You can spot some of them in the local hospital. "We are not as bad as Shipman," they retort when asked about the messy accounts. "Most of our clients are still alive, though bleeding."

It seems they put all their past presidents in a room to think of ways to rescue the sinking ship, or rather, identify things to jettison so that at least the more important accountants could stay afloat. They have prepared an inventory of key members and are chatting with an aircraft charterer to ferry them to safety.

To seem to be seen as doing something, they have also identified a long list of CAs who should be punished for wrongdoings, lest the common man thinks the regulatory body is not doing anything.

"What'll be the punishment like?" I ask them. "In mild cases," a disciplinary committee member says, "we suggest the member goes without food for 8 hours between midnight and 8 a.m. For worse offences, we tell him to stay indoors when it rains". How does it help the affected investors, you may wonder. "The penalty is symbolic," they explain. "We operate in a world of symbols, such as Dr and Cr, you see."

Many professionals choose to sit opposite to the Press Club, or outside Jantar Mantar, to show solidarity with what they call their `mother' institute. "What about the father?" onlookers wonder whether he got hit by the rule — `credit what goes out'.

If you nudge them a bit hard, they agree that they were counting the wrong things and counting things wrong. "Give us back our work," they plead. "Even if it means you change our names to accountaint."

hindubusinessline@hotmail.com

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